The mythical work/life balance
August 23rd, 2007I’ve spent the last few months (maybe years) trying to figure out how I could best please everyone in my life. I’ve read blogs, books, magazine articles here and there but it just doesn’t seem to add up. You just can’t have everything at once and, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t keep everyone happy either. And if that’s true - how are we, as young adults, supposed to live our lives?
The truth is, balance is a load of crap. It’s an imaginary goal that is entirely intangible and therefore unmeasurable. The quest for balance between work and life, in my opinion, isn’t just a losing proposition - it’s a hurtful, self-destructive one at best.
When we’re looking for that magical balance, we strive for achievement everywhere, all the time — and we feel guilty and stressed out when, inevitably, we fall short.
The balance movement is fatally flawed. For those of us trying desperately to keep up with everything that needs doing, it poses two mythical ideals. If we work hard enough at it, one goes, we can have everything. Or if we cut back, we can have just enough to be truly content. The first obliges us to accomplish too much, often at too high a price; the second doesn’t let us accomplish enough. Either way, balance is a relic, a fleeting phenomenon of a closed, industrial economy that doesn’t apply in a global, knowledge-based world.
Essentially, each of us has the two options mentioned above and we all know it. It’s obviously not rocket science and it really does line up with what we read in these “how to balance your work and life NOW!” articles. But what if these two options aren’t good enough? What if something inside you says that you just can’t accept either solution?
There’s a better way to think about all this, one that requires us to embrace imbalance. Instead of trying to balance all of our commitments and passions at any one time, let’s acknowledge that anything important, and anything done well, demands our full investment. At some times, it may be a demanding child or an unhappy spouse, and the office will suffer. At others, it may be winning the McWhorter account, and child and spouse will have to fend for themselves. Only over time can we really balance a portfolio of diverse experiences.
Now, this is starting to make some sense. Again, it’s not rocket science but it is a third solution that’s worth thinking about and it requires one uber-important ability: the capability to segment your thinking and quickly move 100% of your attention to the task at hand. More on this later.
Great leaders, serial innovators, even top sales reps may be driven by a kind of inner demon — the need to prove themselves, to achieve for fear of being worthless (or, as Freud postulated, for fear of castration).But it’s hard to argue with the result: Such people are incredibly productive. They drive change. And that cuts to the problem with a reductionist view of balance. Simply cutting back on work inevitably fails, because in real life, success in work is predicated on achievement. In a competitive business environment — which is to say, every business environment — leadership requires commitment, passion, and, to be blunt, a lot of time.
This isn’t a cynical argument in favor of clocking the hours — though let’s face it, in some organizations, that pressure is all too real. Rather, building something great, leading change, truly innovating — “it’s like falling in love. You have to abandon yourself to it,” says John Wood. “There’s the risk of inherent contradiction between wanting to do something entrepreneurial and wanting to have balance.”
Ok, now we’re talking - this is starting to feel like it’s right on target (to me) and I’d venture to say that some of the people reading this blog can relate to this last excerpt.
But Paul, you might say, why can’t someone just leave work at the office and come home to family?
Here’s the problem: success at work is through (measurable) achievements while success at home is through more intangible items such as caring or being there.
And here’s the solution (and, as with most things, it’s obviously easier said than done): we’ve got to learn how to instantaneously shift our full attention (yes, that means 100%) between tasks and people in different parts of our life.
David Zelman, a psychotherapist and executive coach, sees this as a crucial skill successful people must learn. “Can you leave the office in the office? Can you give someone outside the office the same attention you gave your CEO? If you can give your children or your spouse 100% of your attention, even for a brief period, it goes way longer than compromising and giving them some time because you think you should.”
Now, excuse me while I go figure out how to actually do what I just said.
